Becky Dye

           

           

“IT IS FINISHED!”

The Personal Testimony of Becky Dye

            Recently, I decided that I would like to write about all the things that the Lord has done in my heart.  There are many things that have happened, and I will attempt to relate those things to you, the reader, as best I can.

            When I was six years old, I thought that I got saved.  I repeated a prayer that was told to me and I envisioned heaven opening and God’s light shining down on the head of this little girl that was down on her knees.

            The Holy Spirit began dealing with me again when I was twelve or thirteen.  I knew that I had been saved and felt like the Lord must want me to go into a deeper relationship with Him.  I knew so much about His Word.  I taught several smaller children in Sunday School and, occasionally, I would lead the music in church.  I had begun taking piano lessons because our church did not have a piano player.  I thought that was another way I could help the church.  I felt like the only other thing the Lord must want me to do was to become a missionary when I grew up.  In order to do this, I would need to go to Blue Mountain College after graduation and “be all that I could be”.  But, just to make sure everything was legitimate, I walked the aisle at church and got saved again - - just to make sure.

            After that, the Lord did not deal with me for a few years.  When I became a teenager, the feeling of conviction came back again.  By this time, I had some desires in my heart that I was having a really hard time hiding.  Everyone thought that I was such a good girl, except for my friends at school.  They knew what I was really all about.  They knew the secrets that I told them.  They knew about the things that I wished I could do and the things that I would do if my mom and dad gave me the opportunity.  They all encouraged me to go to college and live on campus, so I could get a taste of what life was all about without my folks or church people being around.

            As it turned out, I could not afford to go to college without working for awhile first.  I was able to get a job at Piper Impact and started making some money.  For a really poor girl to receive a paycheck of $180 a week was something quite spectacular.  I was going to be rich and have everything my heart desired.  That did not seem like such a big order to me because my heart only longed for two things- money and love.  I was getting money, so I had to find someone who would love me.

            I can remember praying when I was about twelve that God would send me the right person to love and marry.  Back then, I was afraid to do anything that God would not favor for fear He would strike me dead.  However, as I got older, I realized that I truly did not fear God.  In all honesty, I feared only what people would think of Becky Donahue.  I had worked a really long time to build the reputation of being a good girl and I was not going t just throw all that away.  So, I set out to find someone to love me.  I had read enough books and looked through enough magazines to know how to get love.  As far as I was concerned, I was ready to go.

            I met a guy named Sandy Dye at the Union Fair and nine months later we were married.  I did not really love him, but I loved the knowledge that he loved me.  I figured the rest would work itself out.

            Life was very hard for Sandy and me.  I tried to love him, but it just was not there.  I talked him into trying to have a child and since he thought it would help our marriage and because he loved me as much as he knew how, he agreed.  I thought it would finally give me someone that I could love and who would love me back- unconditionally.  Nineteen months later, our daughter, Tia, was born.  Finally, I had someone to be special to.

            Things did not get better between Sandy and me.  They only got worse.  We were separating every other week and fussing and yelling all day, every day.  Our daughter was a nervous wreck and constantly begged us not to get a divorce.  She did not want to live without her mommy and daddy.  I did not want to live with Sandy and he did not want to live with me because of the awful person that I had become.  Neither of us wanted to spend a day away from our little girl.  We tried negotiating and everything possible to stay together, but divorce seemed to be the only answer.  You see, I could not be the reason Sandy and I got a divorce because that would greatly tarnish the “good girl” image that I had made for myself, but if he was the one to leave, then I could dump the fault of the whole thing on him.  None of my friends or family would ever believe that I was the one to blame because I was so good.  They really did not know me at all.

            One day, we decided to visit a church where Bro. Greg Moffitt was the preacher.  He was wonderful.  He was explosive, dynamic and just an awesome preacher, so we decided to start going there.  The Lord began dealing with my heart again.  (There were a lot of things going on in my life at that time that I just cannot put on paper.  They were just too horrid for me to write out).  He (Jesus) began killing my soul with the law.  The Old Testament was killing me.  Everything that I read said, “You’re lost”.  I knew that I could not be lost because I remembered the vision as if it were yesterday.  I remembered the repeated prayers, but the weight on my heart was so awesomely heavy.  I thought that surely I must walk stoop-shouldered from the weight of all my sin.  I asked advice from many other preachers.  I called the preacher from my childhood and he confirmed my salvation and other preachers that had led me through prayers, but nothing took away the weight of sin upon my heart.  We went back to the church where Bro. Greg Moffitt was preaching.  He preached hard and heavy.  The words were unlike any I had ever heard.  It seemed that every word went straight to my heart and pierced me.  I was living in horrible, horrible sin– sin so bad that I thought I could never get out of it.  I thought the only way to right the wrong that I had done was to die.  Suicide was on my mind constantly.  If it were not for the fear of going to hell, I could have and would have easily taken my own life.  My sin was causing much pain and heartache.  There were no answers no matter which way I turned, except for death.  My heart was continually being squeezed by the weight of sin.  I thought often that the great squeezing on my heart would surely put me into cardiac arrest and I would die without having to commit suicide.

            Then one day, it happened.  The pressure on my heart was no longer there.  It was replaced by a dead, empty feeling.  I had heard of “stepping over God’s deadline”, and I thought this was what had happened.  I started asking and begging God to put the old squeeze on me again, but there was just a dry desert inside.  I longed for something to go on inside, but all of Bro. Greg’s words just fell by the wayside.  Two weeks had gone by.  I was very fearful, but I did not blame God for giving up on me.  I looked back over all the times that God had dealt with me over the years.  I could blame no one but myself for the emptiness and loneliness inside.  I could not point my finger at anyone but myself, for I realized that I deserved to go to hell.

            On a Sunday night at church two weeks after the Lord had quit dealing with me, He came back and heaviness was once again upon my heart.  I was burdened, yet I was so happy to be burdened that I could not be sad over the burden– if that makes any sense at all.  I was so glad to know that God was giving me another chance, that even though I felt the weight of sin, I was thrilled to death that God was doing something in my heart.  I did not dare to go to the altar to pray.  Many, many times before I had gone to the altar to pray when the Lord was dealing with me and I could feel His presence leave as soon as I got there.  I did not want Him to ever leave me again, so I promised Him if He would just stay with me until I got home, that I would talk with Him heart to heart.  He did not leave me.  He stayed with me all the way home.  I could not talk to Sandy.  I only told him he needed to hurry home because I had to talk to the Lord as soon as we got home.  I went into the bedroom, shut the door and left the light off.  I told the Lord everything I knew to say, but nothing happened– but He did not leave me.  Finally, I just told Him that I could not live my life the way it was.  I was going to hell and I was no longer afraid of it.  I deserved it, so I was ready to face my just punishment.  I told Him of my desires to commit suicide because I was in sin so deep that there was no way out for me.  No matter what happened other than death for me, someone was going to be forever hurt and scarred.  I was not even fit to rear my daughter.  I believed anyone could do a much better job with her than I could.  I asked the Lord if He would set up a car wreck or something because for some reason, I was just too chicken to take my own life.  I figured I would probably mess that up too.  And then I said, “But Lord, if You can find anything in my life that You could use for Your honor and glory, would You just take me and use it”.  There was no more wildness going on in my heart.  It was gone!  There was no more desire to take my own life and die.  It was gone!  There was just this stillness and peace inside my heart.  “Surely, this must be salvation.”  I just sat on the edge of the bed in amazement.  There was no fear.  There was no desire to die.  I opened our bedroom door and told Sandy that I thought I just got saved.  I told him all the things that I had hidden in my heart from him.  I felt truly clean.

            The following Wednesday night, I told Bro. Greg about what had happened.  Later on, I told the church about me being saved.  I noticed, however, that the old desires were still there, but I did not worry about it much because I figured the Lord could fix that in His own time.  I even talked to Bro. Greg about the language that I used when Sandy and I would fuss.  (We still did plenty of that).  Bro. Greg assured me that I did not pick up that language all in one day and it would not go away all in one day.  That made sense to me.

            Not many weeks later, Bro. Greg announced that he was leaving the church.  I was deeply hurt.  I loved him and I could not imagine ever sitting under a different preacher.  (A few weeks later, I heard that Bro. Greg did not know the Lord.  He was lost.  This did not upset me too much because I wanted him to be saved no matter what people thought).

            A short time later, Sandy and I started going to New Oak Grove Baptist Church in Myrtle, Mississippi.  There were not many people going to church there.  I felt comfortable.  The people were very nice and friendly, so I ended up joining the church.  Sandy did not come to church with me.  I went only because I felt too guilty if I didn’t go.  Our daughter, Tia, would beg to go to church and that helped me keep going too.

            For the next few years, I tried to remember to read the Bible and pray.  I prayed every night before going to bed and felt like that was sufficient.  I taught Tia to pray every night before she went to bed and before every meal.  The prayer thing was not difficult, just a normal part of every day, but the Bible study was such a chore.  I did not understand why a person would have to read God’s word.  He saved them.  What else could He want from them?

            Things did not get much better between Sandy and me as far as an enjoyable marriage, but the fussing died down a little.  We were determined that divorce would not happen to us.  It was all for Tia though, and not because I loved Sandy.  One day, I asked God if He would teach me how to love Sandy.  I believe He taught me to be affectionate towards Sandy.  He started showing me some of the good things about Sandy and I started not wanting him to leave.  I began to have a need for him.  I began to love him and I thank God for it because it was not in me to love him.

            Everything in my life was going okay.  I had sin in my life, but who didn’t?  I still had a temper, but who didn’t?  Life was good!

            Five years later, Bro. Claude Mills and his wife, Becky, came to our church.  New Oak Grove Baptist Church had gone through two preachers since I had been there.  I did not expect this preacher to stay more than three years either.  But, this preacher was different than the other preachers.  He was unlike any preacher I had ever known in my whole life of going to church.  I liked him and I knew that he knew God personally.

            One Sunday night while he was preaching a salvation message, my heart was pricked much like it has been pricked when I was a teenager.  I freaked out.  As soon as the service was over, I talked to Bro. Claude about it.  I really don’t remember what all was said.  The only thing that I remember from that meeting was Bro. Claude asking me why I tried not to sin.  I told him, “because it was not right”, while thinking to myself, “this is about the dumbest question I have ever been asked.”  He asked me why it wasn’t right.  I just laughed at him thinking he was asking one of those trick/joke kind of questions, but he was very serious.  I replied, “because God said that we are not supposed to sin.”  Then I asked him why he tried not to sin and his answer was, “Because I love the Lord and I do not want to hurt the One that I love.”  That was so awesome to me.  Bro. Claude spoke as if he Lord was a man that he knew personally.  I felt like my head was spinning from his reply.  I felt drunk.  I told him that I had never heard anything like that in my whole life.  I am sure he responded to my reaction, but I cannot remember anything else that was said.  That statement made a lasting impression on my life that would change it forever.

            From that day on, I began to watch Bro. Claude and Ms. Becky very closely.  I watched how they acted and reacted.  I listened to everything they said.  I asked Becky’s opinion about rearing my tow children.  I had never known anyone like them in my life.  These people knew God as if He lived inside their home.  I knew that my feelings toward God and their feelings for God did not even compare.  I told this to Bro. Claude later.  He told me to seek the Lord about it and He would give me the answers.  I told the Lord that I did not know why these two had salvation and I had salvation, but there was nothing in our lives even remotely similar other than my testimony sounded right and I could go back to the peace.

            Many times after that, the Lord pricked my heart about salvation, but I would call Him the devil.  I did not do this on purpose.  I just really thought the devil was trying to confuse me about my status with God.  I went to Bro. Claude many times about my concerns and he always told me to keep praying and seeking the Lord’s guidance.

                                                                                                                       

            I began reading my Bible every day so that I could become a stronger Christian.  I asked the Lord to cause me to love Him the way that Bro. Claude and Becky loved Him.  I wanted whatever it was that they had.  I wanted to raise my hands to the God in heaven and know that He loved me beyond measure and to have that closeness that the Mills had.  Man, that looked good to me!

            In November and December of 1997, Bro. Claude told Sandy and me that he wanted to have a grassroots meeting around the first of the year, which sounded great.  I was really looking forward to it.  Bro. Claude had just preached about Moses leading the Israelites out of the land of Egypt and they were at the Red Sea ready to cross over on dry land.  My heart was leaping.  Yes! Yes!  That’s right, preacher!  He felt like it was time to have a grassroots meeting and see where the Lord wanted  to take us.  Yeah!  Go ahead on, preacher!  So, he felt like God would have him call Bro. Greg Moffitt to preach.  My heart dropped and my spirit started running crazy.  I truly felt my heart leave the edge of the Red Sea and run back into Egypt.  This is very hard for me to understand even today.  (Bro. Greg had been to New Oak Grove and preached on several occasions.  The Moffitts and the Mills were very good friends.  Bro. Greg had been saved way back and he was a mighty man of God.  He was very direct and forceful with every breath from behind the pulpit.  He had much assurance about his position with God).  I talked to Bro. Claude about being fearful of Bro. Greg for some reason.  I can better describe it as the devil being the ruler of my heart and when he heard Bro. Greg Moffitt’s name, he ran.  That is really how my heart felt.  Bro. Claude told me to settle down and continue praying.  Well, I did not pray about anything.  I was too worried about why my heart did not accept Bro. Greg.  I cannot remember knowing him and not loving him.  Why was I afraid of him all of a sudden?

                                                           

            The meeting started right after the first of the year and I was excited about it.  I still had some very uneasy feelings inside, but I knew that God would work things out.  Bro. Greg preached hard and I could tell there was conviction on people everywhere.  No one moved.  No decisions were made.  There were very few people even praising the Lord for the things that He had done for them when they were lost.  The air seemed to be thick the whole week.  The Lord dealt with me many times, but I did not know for sure that it was Him.  I was still convinced that it was the devil just messing with me.

            I did have questions and doubts about salvation though.  One thing that bothered me was how a person could get saved and go for years without really knowing anything at all about Him.  Another thing that bothered me was the pricks that I felt in my heart.  They felt very familiar.  I felt them years ago when I thought that I truly got saved.  Also, I knew that my heart had never truly been changed.  My heart was changing now after being around the Mills, but how could it have not changed all those years before I met them.   I stayed in my Bible constantly seeking and praying all the time.

            I got to the point that I started feeling physically nauseous on many occasions when I was under conviction.  Many times I did not think that I was going to be able to sit through the sermon.

            Bro. Greg came and went.  I believe one person received the Lord as their personal Savior and that was great.  But, I am telling you, almost the whole church was shaken that week.  After Bro. Greg left, Bro. Claude and I talked about the services.  He said he did not think that the Lord had closed the services down.  I agreed.  It just did not seem that the closing part ever came.  After some time, Bro. Claude told the church that we needed to pick back up where we left off on the meeting and he wanted to have Bro. Greg Moffitt come back.  That went over like a thunderstorm at a pool party.  There were only a few people that seemed glad.  Everyone else seemed to have the opinion of “Whatever, it’s just another one of Bro. Claude’s ideas.”

            Bro. Greg returned for another week and preached hard and heavy.  My life was turning upside down.  This time, I was on a roller coaster that showed no signs of slowing down.  I did not talk to anyone for a few days about it.  I prayed.  I talked to God.  I searched the scriptures and I was really giving in to the idea that maybe it was Jesus who was pricking my heart.  I talked to Sandy, Bro. Claude and Becky about it some, but I tried to keep it between the Lord and myself until I knew for sure.

            The day finally came that I had no doubt about where I stood with God.  In knew that my heart had never been changed and if that were the case according to the Bible, I was lost.  I went to the church study where Bro. Claude and Sandy were.  I told them both what I had discovered and I walked out.  I still felt very nauseous all the time when the Lord was talked about.  In most of the services we had, I wanted to run out of the church and just keep on running, but I couldn’t.  It was not because I was looking so desperately for the Lord, but because I did not want anyone to know that something was going on in me.  I mean for the last two years, I had really learned to praise the Lord over some things, raising my hands up to the ceiling and the whole deal.  How in the world would anyone believe that I was not saved?

            For the next few weeks, I cried and begged the Lord for salvation and it did not seem that I felt anything at all.  Then during the evening service on May 17th, the Lord visited New Oak Grove Baptist Church and He came to me.  Bro. Claude began to preach.  I remember him reading a verse in 1 John and in my heart, I asked the Lord what if He could not change me.  The next thing I heard Bro. Claude say was to turn to Romans 10:8.  All of a sudden, my heart because to pound fiercely.  After everything Bro. Claude said, I would ask the Lord a question and the answer would come immediately out of Bro. Claude’s mouth.  For some reason, I was able to believe everything he was saying.  He would say something else and I would ask the Lord about it.  Bro. Claude would immediately tell the answer.  I knew that the Lord had come for me and I was about to be saved.  The preacher said to confess.  I asked God about confession and Bro. Claude immediately said how to confess.  I said, “Oh, I can’t do that!  Lord do you want me to go outside and confess to the trees and flowers about you?  I will!  I will!  But I can’t confess You in front of these people.  They will never understand!”  My heart continued to beat wildly inside my body.  I thought surely my chest would explode.  I never heard another word that Bro. Claude said during that sermon.  I talked and talked to the Lord about me not confessing what He was doing in my heart in front of all the people.  I got up and went to the altar and the Holy Ghost left me.  I wondered if that was the peace I was supposed to feel, but I could not get satisfactions form it.  I talked to Bro. Claude and Sandy about it many times, but I could not get satisfaction with what happened there.

            Then, on July 15, 1998, we had prayer service for the women.  (We did this every Tuesday night).  Becky Mills shared with me a testimony that she had been reading.  It touched my heart until Becky said that the Lord gave the girl peace and she got up and wondered if she just got saved.  That disturbed me because that’s not what I wanted.  I didn’t want anything that meant that I would still have to question it after I got saved.  I couldn’t understand how the Lord could save me and my first thought be “did I just get saved?”  That was not for me.  That is not what I was looking for.  I wanted to see Jesus.  I wanted to see the cross and what He did for me.  Nothing more or less would satisfy me.

            I explained to the ladies that I felt like I was in a lake and that I was fighting frantically to keep my head above water.  When I relaxed a little, my head would go under.  I was afraid that if I went too far under, I would not be able to reach the bottom like you can in a pool when you push back up and come up for air.  I was afraid that I would go under and fall though the bottomless pit and wake up in hell.  I felt like I didn’t have a choice.  I had to fight with everything that was within me.  If I didn’t fight, I would probably die.  I was not ready to die.  I could not die without Jesus!  I prayed, “Oh, Jesus, help me to find You in all my confusion.”

            Bro. Claude preached about the people’s response to the man of God’s preaching on July 22, 1998.  I did not know that every time the preacher spoke that it was always for me.  I thought that sometimes it was for me and sometimes it would be for someone else.  I hoped I had a different attitude towards the preaching service.  There had been times when a preacher would preach and I did not get into it immediately.  I thought that the message must have been for some of the others and not for me.

            On the morning of July 23, 1998 while I was getting ready for work, I was praying to the Lord to please save me.  I told him that all He would have to do was speak peace to my heart and I knew that it would be done.  The thought that came across my mind was, “Becky, that is not true.  You do not want Me to simple speak ‘peace’.”  I knew immediately that this was true.  It broke my heart.  I was afraid to just receive peace because I was afraid that my faith would be in peace and not in Jesus.  I felt that I was like all those people in the Bible that I had such a hard time understanding- how they could not simply believe the words of Jesus when He walked on this earth.  I thought they were so ignorant not to trust in the One who loved them so much, but I was viler than they were.  I had their example to go by, but I still held on to my own strength.  There was something about trusting in that which I could not touch with my own hands that I greatly feared.  I would ask myself questions like, “What if ten years down the road, I have to go through this all over again because for some reason, it just was not God?  What if I fall just short of faith in Him and never get what my heart is truly longing for?”  Then, I would think in my heart, “Oh, Jesus, I fear that I am too religious.  There is too much in my heart to work through to get to my heart.  I am demon possessed, but it is not devils that have me doing wrong things in man’s eyes, but devils that own my heart and my mind that keep me worried about me and concerned with me.  I would not even cry out to you if you did not move upon my heart.  They own me and I am theirs.  The harder I right the, the deeper I sink.  Thank you for moving on my heart.  At least when you move, I have hope.  You have never done anything bad to me or hurt me.  As a matter of act, the only tin you could be guilty of is loving me.  You have show me so much about you and your Father.  I think if I could only see you in the darkness, I could put a death grip on you until you pulled me away from the demons”.  But, Bro. Claude would say that if that was possible, then it would be something that I could put my hands on and claim that I did.  “Jesus, have you ever had someone in as big a mess as I?  Please, remember my name.”

            Tia sang a song in front of the church called, “Paid in Full”.  The song talks about Jesus going to the cross and paying the price for our sin with His life.  It dawned on me that the cross was more than Jesus’ blood being shed for sinners.  For some reason, I had a difficult time comprehending the purpose of His blood for cleansing sin.  It seemed more to me that Jesus died on the cross because He loved me.  He loved me!  He was my friend.  He knew that one day I was going to need a Redeemer to provide a way to bridge the gap between God and me.  He was my bridge.  I still don’t understand the blood part.  I don’t see how His blood covers sin.  I did see that He chose to die in my place.  It caused my heart to leap for joy, but also to break because I did not love Him in that way.  I found myself wanting to be on a porch so I could jump into his arms (even though I could not see Him) if He would only speak my name so I would know He was there.  He never did.  Once again, I went home with an empty heart thinking that maybe He would want me later tonight.

            On July 30, 1998, I went to the Mississippi Delta Camp Meeting at Calvary Baptist Church in West Helena, Arkansas.  Bro. Mike Williams was preaching and some of his words helped me.  I found out that all the times I felt the Lord pulling on my heart and I talked to him but couldn’t find Him, the Lord was teaching and showing me lostness.  Man, it hurt!  He would call me and pull me to Him, but I couldn’t find Him.  I would think, “I can’t see You in all the darkness, God.  I am too blind and in too much darkness to find You, Lord.  What can I do?  I’ll just wait for You to tell me.”  My head hurt, I could hardly breathe and my heart would ache.

            On my way home from Camp Meeting, I listened to an audio cassette by Bro. Bennett.  He preached about Peter stepping out fo the boat and going to Jesus.  Peter had all the faith he needed to go to the Lord.  When he got out of the boat and saw the storm about him, he became so fearful that he lost sight of Jesus and began to sink.  He said that where fear is strong, faith cannot abide.  That hit me right in my heart.  I was so afraid.  I was afraid that if the Lord saved me then, what would keep me from finding out ten years later that I really did not get saved after all.  I didn’t feel like I would be any better off than I was now.  I feared that with all my heart.  I felt that all the things that I had in my head worked against me to keep the Lord from saving me.  The Lord spoke to my heart and told me that He put all those things in my head for good.  He allowed me to learn all the things I had learned over the years to give me some knowledge so He could impart faith.  He allowed me to know some things so I would not waiver.  I thanked God for all the tools He had allowed me to have even though I did not know how to properly use them.  I decided I was no longer going to fight against the things that I knew to be true.  I knew that once God saves a person, they are saved forever.  I knew that He died for me and that somehow the cross would be made personal to me.  I still did not understanding exactly what the cross meant to me as an individual, but I knew that He intended to bring me into that knowledge.  All of a sudden, I was not so fearful.  I could sing to Him again.  That day was good.

            The next day, my mind was fresh about the things the Lord had shown me the previous day.  I believed that if he spoke to my heart, I would be saved that very day.  While I was singing in the choir that morning, I could sing with confidence that the Lord would do the things in the future that I was singing about.  The Lord did nor even give me a Holy Ghost nudge that day.  I was a little downhearted, but still hopeful.  A couple of questions crossed my mind: “Could the fight that I have in my dreams be that I am fighting against seeing who I really am?  Could I be refusing to see my wicked, sinful self?”

            On August 4, 1998, Susan Robbins and I met at the church for prayer.  She gave me some things to consider.  Psalm 149:4 says, “For the Lord taketh pleasure in His people: He will beautify the meek with salvation.”  Habakkuk 2:3 says, “For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: thought it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”  She also gave me these words from a song in The Baptist Hymnal on page 53; it says, “In His time/He makes all things beautiful/In His Time/Lord please show me every day/as you’re teaching me Your way/ that you do just what You say/ in Your time/Lord, my life to You I bring/May each song I have to sing/be to You a lovely thing/in Your time.”  I cried.  I prayed that the Lord would make me beautiful in His eyes whenever He wills it to be done.

            On the way home, I prayed that God would give me a new heart.  Surely He would not want to live in this heart of mine.  It cannot be trusted or true.  I thought, “When You save me, Lord, I ask for a new heart for You to dwell in.  I don’t want You to reign in this filth of a heart that my body depends on for breath.  I want a heart that will rejoice in you.  I want one that will not be prone to wander or stray.  In order to have this new life, I will have to have a new heart.  Lord, you know this heart better than I do.  You must have a heart in heaven with my name written on it that You would rather me have.  I will wait for a word from You.  Hasten to me.  Please do not linger.”

            On August 6, 1998, Bro. Ed Paschal preached at our church.  He preached about the Jews in the Book of John; how the Bible says they were the Jews that believed, but God showed them that their father was the devil.  The Lord did not move in a mighty way in my heart, but Bro. Ed’s preaching was helpful.  I left the church with rest and assurance that the Lord was going to finish what He had started.

            I talked to Sandy on the way home about it.  He was not as thrilled about everything as I was.  He said that it seemed like I had become content with where I was.  In all honesty, I had.  I had more rest from the fight that had been going on inside my heart than I had in days.  I enjoyed it.  The fight had died down for awhile.

            Bro. Claude called the next day and shook me right out of my comfortable situation.  I told him what Sandy and I had talked about the previous night.  He agreed with Sandy one hundred percent.  He said he did not want me to be comfortable or rest until I was able to rest in Christ.  I told him that I did not want to move from where I was.  I thought I had earned the right to rest for awhile.  He told me that I was right back at works again and doing what I thought was fair.  This really shook me.  I felt like I was in the middle of that lake again.  A life preserver had come my way and I had grabbed on to it with everything I had.  The preacher, my pastor, came along and stuck a big nail in it and now I was on my own again.

            Bro. Claude explained to me that the Lord had shown me everything there was to show me.  He said it was like a gift right in front of me and all I needed to do was reach out and take it.  He said Jesus was standing in the doorway and the only way I could get to the other side was to go through Him.  I prayed and prayed.  I prayed so hard that I could almost see Him.  It was as if I was right in front of Him, but I could not get inside Him to get to the other side.  I was toe to toe, but I fell just short of whatever it took to get to the other side.  I was so close and yet so far away; almost saved, but still lost.

            On August 7, 1998, at about 10:00 a.m., I started to read a book called “Advice for Seekers”  by Charles Spurgeon.  I couldn’t concentrate, so I went up to the storage room at work.  I was reading a chapter called, “Seekers Encouraged-The Substitute.”  Spurgeon began telling me what “The Substitute” was.  Jesus Christ took my place on the cross.  Jesus took my place before God.  Sin had to be dealt with– my sin.  Jesus stood before God with my sin.  He allowed me to stand before God with His righteousness.  I cried and cried and cried.  I told Jesus that I was sorry for my sin.  I thought the only one affected by my sin was me.  I had no idea.  I thanked Jesus for being my substitute.  I asked God what needed to be done next.  I was clean and righteous before Him.  What next?  I ran downstairs to my desk to call my preacher and ask him what was next.  He was not at home.  He had gone to work with his wife.  I was so afraid that the Lord would leave me.  I knew I was so close to being saved.  I went to the bathroom to clean my face from my crying.  On my way back, I thought I would call Sandy at work.  He was saved.  He would know what I needed to do next.

            When I got to my desk and sat down, it came to my heart, “It is finished.”  I stopped and listened.  Huh?  It is finished?  “Becky, there is nothing else to do.  It is finished!”  The words penetrated my heart.  My mouth must have dropped open.  I just sat there and thought about it.  That’s right!  He took my place!  I stood before God righteous and Jesus stood before God with all my sin!  He took my place!  It is finished!  I just sat there and smiled and smiled.  It is finished.  There’s nothing else to be said.  There’s nothing else to be done.  I did not do one single thing.  Jesus did it all!

            I called Sandy at work and told him.  He was so happy for me.  I tried to call Bro. Claude at work.  The lady that answered the phone asked if it was an emergency.  I told her to me it was.  She asked if it was life or death.  I wanted to tell her it was life, but I just smiled and told her “no”.  She took my phone number and said she would tell him to call me.

            When I was in the van on my way home to pick up Sandy for lunch, it crossed my mind as to what I was going to do when the tempter came.  I didn’t even have to think of the answer.  It just came all on its own.  I will send him to the Lord.  What’s the devil going to do?  Tell Jesus that what was done on the cross was not enough?  I just laughed.  I did not have anything to do with this, so I will have to send him to Jesus.  I saw Sandy at lunch and we talked and talked about salvation.  It was so good.

            When I returned to work, Bro. Claude had called and left a message for me to call him back.  I did.  When I told him, he just laughed and laughed.  He said, “I told you!”  I asked him to tell Beck for me.

            I had so many people I wanted to call and tell: Susan Robbins, Edith Dees, Lindy Brown, Katie Anderson, Diane Anderson, Bro. Charles Shipman, Bro. Greg and Janet Moffitt, Cindy Robbins, Carla Kizer, Mrs. Wanda Collins (It was her testimony that Ms. Becky had shared earlier that upset me because she got saved and had to ask the Lord if she had really gotten saved.  I was disheartened that she felt like she had to ask), Bro. Ed Paschal and Kim Hood.

            I thank God.  He gave me something that I cannot put my hands on.  He gave me something so real.  Jesus took my place and allowed me to take His place.  What more could I ask for?  I had been begging God to please let me have an enormous experience so that the devil could not ever make me doubt.  He did, but it was not what I had expected.  There was not even the immediate feeling of peace, which I had expected.  When He told my heart, “It is finished,” the peace was already there!  All I could say was, “Yeah! What more can I do?  Not one thing.”  It is Him!  It is all of Him!